A good friend of mine, Vicky, has a passion for Israel. She has traveled there numerous times and shares her love of the country, its history, and traditions through a bible study she has created called “Following the Footsteps of Christ”. A couple of years ago I was a part of her group and was blessed not only by her warm and gracious heart, but by the wealth of knowledge she has gained through her many journeys to the Holy Land.

Each time Vicky has gone back to Israel, she finds things to bring back with her to memorialize her trip. Because we shared her passion for learning about this great land, she shared some of her souvenirs with us in class. I have on my shelf a vial of water from the Jordan River, a small container of soil from the floor of the prison where Paul spent time, and a small challis made of olive wood used to take the communion wine.

But my most treasured possession from the Holy Land is my tree. While Vicky visited the Garden of Gethsemane she was told no one was allowed to enter the garden, but they could to walk the surrounding sidewalks and peer into the garden. She noticed the numerous Carob Tree pods littering the sidewalks. These trees have been in the garden since who knows when. The stand paying homage to Jesus, it’s most infamous guest, mixed with the Olive Trees and other beautiful flowing shrubs and plants. These very plants are most likely the great-great grandchildren of the original trees who witnessed our Lord’s last agonizing night before His death. They provided a safe haven for his intimate time with His Father, heard his prayers of surrender, and possibly held him as he collapsed in anguish asking for that night to pass. Vicky brought home Carob pods, to have a piece of Gethsemane for herself. I was a recipient of a couple of these pods, much to my delight. I love to garden and this was a new challenge for me. Little did I know the impact these small seeds would have on me.

The seeds are hard as rock, and once planted, they may take a year or two to sprout. At the time I planted my seeds, my life was becoming increasingly hard to handle. I was at a point where I was desperate for God to act. I watered the seeds patiently, wondering if they would ever sprout. I nearly forgot about them, and left them outside for nature to care for them. And one day, nearly six months after planting them, a sprout emerged. In God’s timing, it was also a week of agonizing where I came to a complete surrender to the most precious thing in my life, my marriage. It was dying, and l had a sense there was nothing more I could do on my own to rescue the little life that was left in it. I prayed a gut-wrenching prayer that week for God’s will to be done, not my own. I looked on that little sprout as God’s message to me that He would bring life out of death, just as He did for His Son.

This little tree welcomes me each morning with a reminder that God will never leave me or forsake me. It has endured a couple of years of trials itself, sometimes not getting enough water, one time being knocked over by the dogs, and another time losing it’s partner sprout that rose up and died along side it. However, even today there is new growth, new leaves, new life. It tells me God’s not finished with me yet. I don’t know His plan for my future. I’ve surrendered it to Him, and realize that sometimes life has to come after death. The seed had to harden and die before it could emerge as a new plant. My heart died last year, my dreams and hopes for a healed marriage have been unmet, yet I feel new life every. I am being restored, renewed, redeemed.

Vicky’s Carob Tree is now about six feet tall. She brought us a picture one day of it in full bloom, with beautiful pink flowers hanging from its stems. I know one day, my Carob Tree will also bloom, literally and symbolically, and my life will once again portray the beauty of God’s grace, forgiveness and redemption. How sweet it will be.

"The Lord satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's."...Psalm 103:5

Okay, so this was the title of my morning's devotional. I had a magical childhood, full of experiences and sights and sounds that many never get to enjoy. It was the stuff of storybooks, really. We lived on a small farm, with just enough animals and land to get lost in for a whole day. We built forts out of old siding and other building scraps we'd find in the "dump" near the back of our field, I would ride my bike miles away from home, singing "Fly Like an Eagle" while holding my arms out. We rode our horses, and even cows, raised exotic chickens and searched for the multi-colored eggs they laid, grew heirloom vegetables before they were in style, then cuddled up on the couch at night with hot cocoa and fresh popcorn to catch the latest Disney movie.

My life is far from magical now. Although I live with my parents on the land next door to my childhood home, I feel a million miles away from the freedom. So, today's devotional was a good reminder to enjoy the things God once gave me to delight in him. This morning, upon getting ready for church we noticed a hot air balloon out in the field behind our house. Mind you, it was on 19 degrees out, but none the less, this brave couple was setting out to add some magic to their day. We fed off of their ambition and all stared out the windows as they touched down, then lifted up, then hovered near the telephone lines beside our house. I felt the joy of being a kid again. I'm sure they did too.

Later in the day, I donned my rubber galoshes and went for a long walk in the woods and field with my daughter. We talked of all the things I did as a kid, playing in the creek, treehouses, and hay lofts. She is only 11, but I think my childhood made her envious. She asked why she couldn't do those things, to which I said she could. It was then that the realization of putting away the TV, video games and such would be the cost. I hope she makes the trade.

So, today I relived part of my past, and felt it wrap around me like a good friend's arm. My youth was renewed and my heart was lifted. I feel a little more spirit in my step and I think my wrinkles have decreased a little too, except for my laugh lines.

Twenty one years ago I got married. I was only 19, and had dated my husband for three years prior to tying the knot. We met on a blind date when I was only 15. When we met I was very young and naive, and thought I knew enough about life to take on this serious relationship, even though I only dated a few other guys for a few months each prior to meeting my husband. Obviously, at 15, or even at 19, there’s so much you don’t really know about life.

One hundred sixty five days ago I separated from my husband. I moved in with my parents, with two kids in tow. I felt like a teenager again, dependent on others to help me make sense of my life. This is not how it’s supposed to turn out, especially after two decades of marriage, two children, and a lot of sweat and tears.

In my parents’ house, there are two upstairs bedrooms, with Jack and Jill bathrooms in the middle. Off one bedroom is a small closet. This is where I sit now. I have converted it to a sanctuary of sorts. It’s where I go every morning with tea or coffee in hand, to prepare for each new day. I have read countless hours here, pouring over scriptures, devotional books, online sermons and spiritual guide books. I’ve read a couple of novels to enter someone else’s world, and have journaled to the end of my spiral bound notebook. I have prayed here, alone and with friends over the phone, I have baptized the desktop with my tears, and have come out looking like I’ve done battle many days. On my desk sits a “daily quotes” calendar telling me the secrets of true beauty, on the wall in front of me is a bulletin board filled with positive reminders of those who love me. On it I have two poems written by a dear friend to me, a letter from my daughter that says I’m the best mom in the world, and a thank you note my mom wrote to me after her mother’s funeral. Above that is a four generation picture of my family. There is also the address of a friend who just lost her husband...all reminders of this precious and fragile life we live.

On the other wall is a framed picture a friend gave me that says “Count your blessings”. Today I’m grateful for my closet. It’s where my real battles take place. It’s where I am transformed daily and given a spiritual makeover that is more extreme than any TV show I’ve seen. I see Jesus here everyday, hear His voice, and tell him all my fears and sorrows. He in turn strokes my hair and tells me everything is going to be all right.

I don’t know what tomorrow holds, but I do know where I’ll start it. And when I come out of the closet, there will be an adventure I’m prepared for, even if I feel blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back. And no matter how steep or treacherous the path before me becomes, I’ll be safe with Jesus at my side. What a Guide...what a God!

Last Monday I took my daughter and my three nieces to go bowling at the Brunswick Zone XL, our new bowling alley on steroids.  My daughter is at expert level on Wii bowling, so she was sure that she would score big at the lanes as well.  Well, I think she scored a 60, with gutter bumpers, but that's a different story.  When we arrived, there was a 20 minute wait for an open lane; it was Labor Day and everyone else thought it would be a great idea to go there as well.  So after some pleading, I was talked into going to the arcade and letting the girls play some video games.  At the end of our bowling and more video games, the girls had ammased a loot of 140 tickets to redeem at the prize store.  If you're a parent, you know full well the hype of the prize store.  You basically spend $10 on games to get a 50 cent prize.  And that day was no different.  Because there were four of them, they had to split the tickets and had about 30 tickets each...enough for a tootsie roll.  But the prize store is filled with so many wonderful prizes!  The girls were drawn to things that cost 500 tickets or more.  There were rubber balls, glittery make up kits, small mirror balls, keychains, bracelets, and I even saw a crockpot!  But the most desirable items were in the glass case in the center of the store.  These were the cream of the crop, the prizes above all prizes.  But you couldn't even touch these beauties unless you were a master video gamer, or got extra lucky that day.  So, we left the store, deciding to just keep our tickets for the next time.

Two days later, my husband wanted to take my daughter out to go play putt putt golf.  They decided to go to Incredible Pizza, which has more to offer than even the Brunswick Zone!  Since my husband's a sucker too, they ended up in the arcade searching once again for the riches the tickets would buy.  But this was their lucky day.  The first game they gave their hand at was the wheel of fortune.  They gave the handle a big turn, and lo and behold...they hit the jackpot!  1,000 tickets!  It took about 5 minutes for the tickets to spool out and I just wish I could have been there to see my daughter's face!  All in all, they ended up with 1,400 tickets that night and went quickly to the "store" to redeem them.  They lingered for a long while, looking at everything in the bins, and hanging on the wall, until my daughter saw their glass case.  She asked her dad if she could look at the things in the glass case.  Well, for the first time ever (maybe in history too), she had enough tickets to buy something from the case!  She joyfully picked out a pink camo, glitter filled lava lamp!

Over the last week, she's told the story to a few friends and ALWAYS shares that her dad hit the jackpot, and she got to pick something out of the case!  The case. Isn't that what we all want from life?  The untouchable thing we stare at that promises to bring us true happiness, but we never have enough tickets for.  It's built into us from the time we're little that some things are extra special and we long for them, save up for them, or just go on wishing for years for them.

I can't help but smile as I pass her room late at night and see the pink glow that spills out into the hallway.  I'm so glad she got to pick from the case.  What a blessing and little wink from God above.  I feel that I've hit the jackpot too...two great kids I believe God picked out of the case for me.

Last Friday was my son’s birthday. Sixteen years ago at 7:05am I pushed him into the world. Now, sixteen years later I’m watching him drive away.

As many parents do, on his birthday we made the trip to the DMV for him to get his drivers license. I was so excited for him and wanted to make sure he experienced the full effect of “16”. We arrived around lunch time and filed through the line somewhat smoothly. Then came the wait. I looked around and noticed many other “16” looking teenagers with their moms or dads. I took a quick count and saw at least 4 other families doing the same routine as us. We waited a long time, about an hour and a half until it was my son’s turn to take his test. In the meantime, a few of us exchanged our stories.

It dawned on me that 16 years ago we were all in waiting too. Us moms were in the throes of labor, and the dads were most likely pacing outside the rooms, or by their wife’s bedside. It seemed like yesterday, and yet a lifetime ago. What happened to our babies...who took their wrinkly red skin and exchanged it for scruffy, hairy, and grown-up skin? Their little piercing cries for deep and mature voices? Their clinging to their leaving?

I know it’s a rite of passage, and I’m happy to go through it. But it’s gone so fast I guess I was just taken back a bit by it all. I mean, I’m still that college aged girl, newly-wed, new mom, aren’t I?

I had a rather stormy weekend, but there is Calm in the eye of the storm...here's my story.

I was so excited getting ready for church on Sunday morning.  It was going to be a great morning because Terry Sanderson, our new pastor, was in town and was preaching.  His two sermons I had heard so far had really spoke to me and had given my faith a jump start.  I was really looking forward to hearing from God and was open to whatever He would teach me through Terry.  But with only 15 minutes left to leave, I got a call from my husband that he and my son were stranded in Sullivan, MO.  They were on their way back home from Springfield in my SUV when it began to make all sorts of weird noises and upon advice from others at the gas station, Guy was told to "turn that thing off!".  Needless to say, something was wrong with the engine.  So, I shifted gears (pardon the pun) and got on the phone to make arrangements for a tow truck and various other details which are difficult on a Sunday, and left to pick him up.  The guys waited, under cover from the rain, at a gas station by a pump.  It took up our whole morning, but we made it back and the car was towed to the service shop. 

The next morning, Monday, I woke up to loud thunder, rattling my house at 7:45. The rain was pelting down on our skylight, which magnifies the sound so much I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep. So I laid there. Five minutes later, the phone was ringing non-stop, so I got up to see who was calling.  My husband was calling to inform me that HIS car had broken down in Webster Groves, MO.  He was just finishing up a men's bible study with some new friends when a storm blew through and lightening flashed all around the parking lot.  When he got in his car, nothing...he thought the battery was dead.  Later after getting a jump start, he found out that something has gone wrong with the electrical system and he had no power steering.  I once again got myself together, unhitched our old truck from our boat, and made arrangements to rent a car. 

While waiting for a few details to play out, I opened my email to find a note from my friend with a devotional excerpt attached.  It was called "An Incredible Moment in a Storm".  I knew this was my only chance of a good focused time with God for the morning, so I read it.  It coudn't have been more appropriate.  I felt like God was intervening to show me that He was in the middle of our storms too and would take care of all things.  It set my mind to rest knowing there was nothing we would face that He didn't already know about and have worked out. 

When I finally met up with my husband, although he was a little frazzled from two mornings in a row waiting for tow trucks in the rain, he seemed okay.  He had a good time with the other men talking about their faith, and lack of and was somewhat prepared for another trial.  But God showed up for him in an even greater way too.  While waiting for the two truck he stepped inside the neighboring St. Louis Bread Company and saw his colleage, Dr. Ward and his wife.  The Wards had just lost their infant son about a week ago.  He was born with some internal deformities and was on a heart transplant list for his short life.  They were having a cup of coffee when Guy walked in.  Instantly Guy gained perspective about life and the truth about what's really important came flooding over him.  He spent a few minutes with them before having to leave and meet the truck driver. 

Not only did we both meet God that morning, so did our 15 year old son, who was home and was praying for us while we were gone.  His specific prayer was that his Dad (and Mom, although I had just shared the impact of my devotional with him before I left) would not get too frustrated, but would realize what was really important in life.  Things are replaceable, but lives are not.

It was a powerful moment for us when we sat down for dinner and shared about our individual experiences.  I don't know what will happen with the cars, we still haven't heard about the damage.  But I do know that God is bigger than any problem we'll face.  For now, we're resting in the exhilarating experience of seeing God's face shine on us while we were fretting about the storm that was blowing over.  He has calmed the wind and the Son is shining today!

What a month!  There are so many things that have happened and not enough time to tell you about them.  And I guess for some, you may not be interested in all the details of my life, because you have enough details in your own life to process!  Well, here's a synopsis, for talking points sake:  CD graphics and mixing, CIA Summit in Nashville, two events in the last few weeks, vacation in Hawaii, CD release and updates on all my web sites.  Are you tired just reading this list?  I am.  This week I've been learning about margin...space...breathing room...contemplation.

Did you ever wonder why God rested after creating the world, yet He wasn't tired?  I have never even thought about it. 

"God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done."  Genesis 2:3

Then He commanded us to do the same.  Why?  Because we need to remember, contemplate, bring an offering to Him.  Here's another verse:

"Remember that you were slaves in Egypt and that the LORD your God brought you out of there with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm.  Therefore the LORD your God has commanded you to observe the Sabbath day."  Deuteronomy 5:15

The reason I'm tired is that I haven't rested, I haven't made time to reflect on the goodness of God, or to just delight in His presence and blessings.  Shame on me.

I used to think this Sabbath talk was old fashioned and religious, but now I'm starting to see the wisdom in it.  I believe having space in my days to not only read His word and pray, but to rest in His shadow is essential to my well-being.  How could I be so naive or proud as to think I don't need it if God himself did?

I've been reading a lot over the last week.  I love the power of words to speak to my heart.  I also love the power of creation to continually remind me that I'm not all that!  I always feel better after feeding my soul good, simple things.  It helps me step off this merry-go-round life I live and slow my pace to be more aware of God, others, and self.  I know this could be abused and I'm not condoning that, but I also know I can abuse the time God has given me on earth by not being available for His plans for my days.

So, pray for me as I try to figure out how to create space in my life.  I have a lot to balance and some things I probably need to purge.  I need God's wisdom so I don't mess things up more.  If you have "Sabbath" rest in your life, please let me know how you do it.  I have much to learn.  Thanks...I'm going to go pick some flowers now.

Recording’s done, graphics are done, and everything is in the hands of CD replicators now.  What a great feeling! This process has been so much fun, although it wasn’t always smooth.  The last month or so brought a few delays and changes that were unexpected, but I sensed God in them and they were all worked out in the end.  So, in about 10 days I’ll have 1,000 CDs in my house once again.

So, let me tell you a little about my vision and dream for this album.  A few years ago I had one of those moments when you get a different perspective on life.  It was one month after Hurricane Katrina tore through the Gulf Coast and we were seeing daily reports of the devastation and unending misery of the thousands of people affected.   God was brewing a song in me that became “Back to Eden”, the title track of my album.  I remember sitting in my kitchen one afternoon, looking out at a dark gray sky through the raindrops that had settled on my window panes.  In the distance was a row of trees that were beautifully dressed in their autumn clothes.  They literally glowed against the steel gray sky.   It was so beautiful it brought me to tears.  Beauty and tragedy were juxtaposed against each other and I felt like it was a message from God that His beauty will always trump evil.  I needed to believe that.   And over the last few years, He has shown me this again and again.

I wrote “Back to Eden” out of this place, as a cry of my heart’s yearning for a better place, a heavenly home that I’ll one day possess.  Then came other songs that were songs of yearning for hope in God’s goodness to shine in these dark places.  And of course, life dealt me a few unwanted cards along the way too.  Because I know my experiences are not unique, I prayed that God would allow me to share these songs with others to show them His faithfulness to redeem ugly situations.   And He heard and answered those prayers.  I’m so excited to share these song stories with you and encourage you to hang in there and put your hope in God’s plans for you…His good, perfect and pleasing will!

I just got home from a great Christian Independent Artists Conference.  While there I had a chance to serve a dinner to some homeless folks in downtown Nashville.  A compassionate group of Christ followers plan this meal each week, have a band that plays some great blues music, then they share about God’s goodness and pray for them before they leave.  It was such a beautiful offering.  They showed them beauty…in the food, the music, the smiles and in Christ.   It doesn’t take away their problems, but I believe it gives them hope that there’s someone who cares and will take the time to put their arm around them and offer help.

That’s what I hope my music does…it’s my offering of beauty.

Things are going very well on the recording of my next album.  We have good instrumental and vocal tracks on all the songs now, some full production and some bare, with just piano, vocals and "seasoning" as Dennis calls it.  He's doing such a great job.  I've found it's a little hard to describe what you have in your mind about a song.  I'll tell him the feel, the mood, the groove, and maybe give him a popular song or two for comparison, and then he tries to "read" what I'm asking for.  I'm actually very surprised at how close he gets to my original thoughts.  Music producing is an interesting creature...because you start with a lump of clay, then begin to mold it and shape it.  Sometimes it looks exactly like you wanted, but other times it takes on a form you never imagined.  And in this case a couple of my songs are taking a slightly different shape which I think is even better than I had envisioned!  It's really amazing to hear the songs after he's worked with them for a while.  It's like describing a scene to someone in detail and then they show you the portrait they painted.  You recognize it, but with different colors and from a different angle than you thought. 

I made my second trip to Nashville the first week of January and laid down the lead vocal tracks for all 10 songs.  Because of travel timing, we did it all in two very full days...a herculean effort!  The first day I say for about 9 hours, and the second day I sang for about 7 hours.  I had friends praying for me and it was definitely God working in my body to keep me going.  I've never sang that much without at least getting a little hoarse.  Even after the end of the second day, I still had my full voice.  Thank God!  It was really fun, but incredibly exhausting. 

I had a few friends stop by and visit while I was there.  Ericka Harvey, Wendy Hibbard and Stacey O'Hara and her mom came by to say "hi" and/or join us for our lunch break.  They are all songwriter friends I've met through the Write About Jesus and CIA Summit Conferences.  We had a good time, although it was too short! 

Dennis is now adding the finishing touches on the instrumental parts of all the songs.  He'll continue mixing and we'll add backup vocals the first week of February when I go down again.  If all goes as planned, we'll have a finished product by the end of February.  Then I'll send it off to be replicated and then we'll have our big release!

I'm so excited for all of you to hear the songs.  They all come from a deep personal place in my heart and are pictures of bigger stories I've either lived or experienced over the last few years since "Good Promises' was released.  Keep praying for my stamina...this is like a marathon in many ways.

From left:  Guy, Kiersten, Dennis Dearing, and Benton Stokes singing backups with me.

December 7, 2008

The music is coming along.  Dennis has emailed me some of the songs as they are so far.  I'm starting to practice my lead vocal parts, getting ideas for backup parts, and brainstorming other instrumental ideas.  While I wait for my next session on January 3-4, I have something else I'm working on.

The week I have been attemping to work on the CD artwork for my next album.  I recently got Adobe Photoshop Elements to try my hand at designing the layout and such.  It's been a big bite to chew, but I'm really enjoying it.  On my first CD, my husband took the pictures and I did some cutting and taping (literally) and "created" the layout on my own.  I put it in an empty case, and found a really nice guy to recreate the idea on software.  I made his job easy, and in the end the artwork looks much like what I tried to produce.  

So, this time in order to not pay $$ for a graphic designer we're taking a similar approach.  But now I'm trying to do it all myself.  I'm not experienced in graphic design, but after three years of making flyers, business cards, brochures, etc., I have a pretty good idea how to do this.  I know I can't add all the bells and whistles that a professional designer would, but I can put my creative touches not only in my music but also in the artwork.  It's really fun for me too.

This week I think I have nailed the cover artwork.  I have a really good idea that will enable my web site and CD to match.  I'm not giving any secrets away yet, but think "Eden".  That's my inspiration.  So, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to my Photoshop manual and teach myself something else new!